Pregnancy Sucks

Just came across this post I wrote a year ago, but never actually posted. I don't whether to laugh or cry. I was such a hot mess!! What a blessing to be through that pregnancy and to have our sweet Kira with us.

1/20/14

I have sooooooo many blog posts to catch up on.  For now I wanted to write down instead what's going on at the current moment.....

I am pregnant and deathly sick for the 5th time, but with baby #4, as long as everything goes well.  I feel miserably awful.  I'm thinking it may be the sickest I've been out of all of them- and that is really saying something.  Each pregnancy has gotten harder and worse.  In addition to puking a million times and feeling like I need to the rest of the time, my stomach has been crampy and achy a lot.   Most of that is because I am super dehydrated and swollen and bloated from puking so much.  As I learned with Morgan's pregnancy, being dehydrated causes braxton hicks, so I've been dealing with those already too, even though I am a mere 10 weeks along. Oh and don't forget wicked indigestion burning a fire up my throat most evenings.  Fun times.  Is it July yet?  My body is tired and done already and I still have a long long time to go unfortunately.  I've been through the ringer already and am not handling this last one too well.

There's two reasons I wanted to write this all down:

1. If in future years I see another little baby and feel that desire to have another, I'll simply come back to this post and hopefully be dismayed, or at least reminded why this is the last one.  It's hard, not only on me, but my family.  On top of feeling horribly physically, I feel tons of guilt all the time.  I hate it when the house is a mess and the kids are on their 3rd movie of the day and I'm not able to give them much attention.  I'm not that kind of mother and wife.  I love supporting my husband at home and having him come home from a long day at work to a clean home and healthy meal on the table.  I love being able to give him the breaks and attention he deserves.  Of course John has taken over all dish, house and kid duties that he can without a single complaint because that's just who he is, but I just know he's getting exhausted and worn out too. My body is drained, our family is getting drained and we have a looooonnnng way to go. Sigh.

2. Anytime my daughters, daughter-in-laws or simply other young moms I know get excrutiatingly sick while pregnant, I want them to know they are not alone.  I can't tell you what it's like to feel this way and have another pregnant friend tell me they hardly even notice they are pregnant and feel just great! I want to punch them in the face.... and then when that feeling passes, I want to curl up in a ball and cry because "I must be the only one in the world who hates being pregnant and feels like death".  There's no "glow" going on here.  Between my pale swollen face and running mascara from puking (when I do actually find the energy to put any on), I am not one of those cute glowing mama to be's.  That would be nice.  But I'm just not.  My first two pregnancies with my boys were a lot easier on my body, true, but I was still super sick.  Both my girls have killed me though.  I think it is the extra extra amount of girl hormones.  No really.

All that being said, I know this will be worth it.  John and I both felt strongly, even before Morgan was born that there was yet another little girl waiting to join our family.  I cannot wait more than anything right now to be holding her in my arms at the end of July.  I know it is a huge blessing to be able to have children when so many have that desire but cannot.  I absolutely love motherhood, even after the hard days.  I just wish every single day didn't have to go by so slowly right now!

Future Steph- you are ok with 4.  That is a lot of kids. In fact, you are super happy that you finally made it to four through all of those hard pregnancies and are DONE! Wahoo!!  Babies are so stinking cute, but they are also hard and each pregnancy is a forever long almost year of feeling anything but yourself.  It is flipping hard. Go steal someone else's baby for an hour or two- you know they could use a break and some free hands for once anyways! And enjoy those babies you have, no matter how much they've grown up.  The end.