Mourn with those that Mourn

The past week has been tough.  I was originally planning on my next post being a "we're expecting #3!" announcement.  Unfortunately I had a miscarriage instead.  Hopefully that post will still be coming sometime in the future.  I know most people are very "hush hush" about this kind of thing and seem to try to sweep it under the mat, but there are 2 reasons I am writing this post:


1.) To explain & apologize   
2.) To record my feelings/count my blessings. 


 I have already learned a great deal through this trial and have an extreme amount of gratitude that I dont want to ever forget-  I am still hoping to make this blog into a book which I am hoping means our kids will read this when they are a little older and get something out of it


So here it goes:


Quick explanation:


I will spare you the gory details.... during an ultrasound last Thursday afternoon (July 28th) to check to see if everything was ok after some warning signs, it was discovered that while I should have been 13 weeks along from the time we knew we got pregnant, the baby showed to be only 8 weeks in size and no longer had a heartbeat. (I had a previous ultrasound at 7 weeks that showed a healthy heartbeat and no signs of trouble). With all the details now, we have concluded that the baby had trouble growing from the start and was not meant to live more than just a few weeks inside me before it returned to live with our Heavenly Father.


An Apology:


I have been SO sick for the past 2 months.  There have been some days when I could only handle a diet of applesauce and cheerios.  And even some days where I have thrown up that and just sipped on gatorade.  It has been really really hard and of course frustrating to end it like this instead of with a precious little baby in my arms.  


So, i really feel the need to apologize..... 


~Apologize for all the unanswered calls, emails, facebook messages, etc.
~Apologize for those whom I may have accidentally offended because they       thought I was ignoring them or decided I thought I was too good for them 
~Apologize for my lack of attention/effort to my wardrobe and makeup and hair  
~Apologize for my lack of energy and enthusiasm and lack of effort put into my normal activities and callings.  


Our family has honestly been in survival mode the last 2 months.  It has been really hard.  I was really sick with Baron and Jackson too, but this one was even worse.


True Empathy:


One thing this experience has given me is greater empathy for those who have also had miscarriages as well.  You really cannot truly understand the sorrow (and physical pain and unpleasantness!) of losing a baby, until it happens to you.  This experience has given me greater respect to those moms I know who have done this before.... especially those who have had a full 9 month pregnancy only to end with a stillbirth.  My heart aches for them so much.  I cannot imagine how tough that was for them emotionally.  My own mother had 4 miscarriages.  I always knew that, but never really thought much besides "that must have been hard" before now.  Talking this through with her, I wanted to cry and mourn for her for all those times.  I really felt for all her sorrow.


Gratitude:


Of course I have cried a lot and my heart has broken, but something I have gained already from this experience is an immense amount of gratitude.  It has been the gratitude that has filled my heart with love, peace and hope.  Here are the things I have been feeling gratitude for during this:




**The precious and healthy 2 little boys we already have and who fill my everyday life with so much joy.  I am very grateful for them!  They have been so sweet and understanding and have filled my heart with so much love and peace with the hugs they have given me through this.


**An amazing husband who has been by my side and really stepped up right from the beginning of the pregnancy through all the sickness, and has been my rock through losing the baby.  I honestly don't know what I would do without him.  I am so grateful I get him for eternity.


**The priesthood and the opportunity it gives for us to hear our Heavenly Father's personal message of love and comfort for us during out greatest times of need.  I am grateful for a worthy priesthood holding husband who can be that spokesman for Him.


**Our ward family.  We have had some wonderful friends step up and take the boys and feed us dinner and become our family as we don't have any relatives close by.  I am so grateful for the organization of wards and the compassionate people who fill ours!


**My Mom and her words of wisdom.  She is the first and only person I was able to talk to on the phone for a while.  I love her.  I am so grateful for her.  Not only did she listen to me cry, she told me the things I needed to hear...like that it was not only ok, but important to take the time to mourn for this baby, no matter how long or short it had lived just in me.  She talked me through everything and was exactly the person I needed.  I really do feel so badly for her that she had to do this 4 different times, but I also was so grateful that she knew exactly what I was going through and could truly empathize with me and give some much needed advice on all the icky, very physically unpleasant parts of it as well.


**Once again, gratitude for my mom- after I had to have a D&C surgery/procedure done last minute at the hospital last Sunday, my mom told me over the phone (while I was lying in a hospital bed coming out of anesthesia- that stuff makes me so loopy!), that she wanted to send me flowers, but decided to come in person instead.  I will forever be grateful to her (and for my dad and brother for sharing her with me!) for this.  I can't tell you how much it meant to have my mom here this week.  Just to have her to talk to in person was a comfort, but she also went grocery shopping with me, cooked wonderful meals, scrubbed our place from top to bottom, entertained and spoiled the boys, and helped me rest, heal, and slowly get back into the swing of things.  It has been exactly what I needed this week.  She even managed to squeeze in an afternoon of sewing which resulted in some new drapes for our bedroom, a new pillow for our couch and one for our bed, church bags for the boys, shortened pillow cases and some clothes hemming.  She truly is a superwoman! 




**And lastly, gratitude for all the love and support and prayers sent our way.  I sometimes have struggled to know what to do and say when a friend or family member is going through a loss or just a hard time with a certain trial.  I have learned a great deal over the past week of what matters.  Here are my thoughts:  


The first two days, I really did not want to talk to anyone, except my mom.  I needed to cry, vent and hope for the future with her (so with someone you are really close to), but just couldn't really attempt to form words without balling to anyone else.  I am sure in a few more days or weeks, I will be able to talk about it more to some friends, but not while it was really fresh... at that point I was just trying to keep it under control.  But, some of our family and the very few close friends who we have told (and who so lovingly watched our boys all day for us) just sent simple texts or e-mails expressing their sorrow for us and their love and prayers.  Every time I read them I cried.  Even just a mere "sending a hug your way" would make me cry.... but in a good way.  I could honestly feel the love and prayers sent and it really touched both John and I.  It was exactly the support we needed.  It honestly wasn't anything long or time consuming.  A simple email of "we are thinking about you and mourning for your loss" really meant a lot.  Gave a whole new meaning to me of the scripture in Mosiah where it says,  "to mourn with those that mourn and comfort those that stand in need of comfort."




All said and done it has been a very bitter/sweet experience and we have a lot of hope for the future.  For anyone going through some difficult trials and having a hard time seeing through the pain and frustration to the blessing that will come eventually, listen to this short, 30 minute message:  




http://mormonchannel.org/programs/stories-from-general-conference-episode-34?lang=eng#d


I promised it will be worth ever second of your time and I sincerely hope it will touch and inspire you as it has me.  




Thanks again to all for your love and support.  We truly feel blessed to be surrounded by so many wonderful and good friends and family.